Goldbeater

Um, family comedy? Well, I'm not sure who this movie is for. Adults will be put off by the stupidity, embarrassment, and toilet humour. I would also definitely not recommend this for children because of the zoophilic subtext (yes, it is there). This is just a really horrible movie that only works on a very base level - Siegfried hits his head and the movie-goer laughs!

Riding in on the wave of success from the entertaining comedy movie Death Race 2000, a number of similar movies came out, including Deathsport. In the anti-utopian future, this time David Carradine is not forced to race in a funny-looking car, but to fight for his life on a funny-looking motorcycle - and now hold on, it is meant absolutely seriously, which is for a movie in which naked girls lit up by psychedelic lights accompanied by strange synth music dance between poles charged with electricity, an unfortunate mistake. So it is only slightly passing for funny in scenes where characters with frowning seriousness deliver their cheesy banal lines. Unfortunately, this movie is so far from being unintentionally funny it could never pass for actual entertainment. Deathsport is therefore a terrible movie but fortunately, in my eyes director Allan Arkush regained his reputation a year later with Rock 'n' Roll High School.

A small and greatly underestimated comedy about burnout at work, with which any movie-goer can very well identify. The plot isn't that important, the backbone of the movie is the well-written characters, and the associated acting performances in supporting roles consolidate this. Gary Cole, Richard Riehle, John C. McGinley - they are all memorable caricatures, and then there's Stephen Root, who, in the role of Milton gives an acting performance worthy of an Academy Award nomination. I was laughing away at Milton's tragicomic fates long after the movie ended. It is a pity that the movie flopped at the box-office, as I would gladly be up for a sequel right now.

Following on from conflicting mixed reviews, I didn’t expect much, and in the end, Venom is just sort of OK – which slightly irritates me because this film could have been much better. This is due in part to the limits of a PG-13 certificate, so scenes intended to be gory are either cut so that you can’t see the gore, or made in a ridiculous way of not showing blood (for example, a symbiote turns its limbs into sharp blades, but does not slice up their opponents; instead he throws them on the side). The plot is nothing new – it’s a relatively engaging origin story with, unfortunately, a completely generic and uninteresting villain played by Riz Ahmed. At times, the logic is lost, like when Venom tells Eddie that he was in his head and knows everything about him, but then five minutes later he asks who Anne is. Paradoxically, the film works best as a comedy with Tom Hardy humorously muttering and fooling around, which is a fail if Venom is intended as a darker film – because it isn’t.

This film was made in a similar way to An Evening of Edgar Allan Poe. An array of horror stars narrate selected short stories by Poe, this time accompanied by various animations, not all of which seem completely fitting or having enough of a horror atmosphere. The core story is a needed cement in which the writer’s soul talks to his demons, however, the viewer is probably more interested in the individual segments: The Fall of the House of Usher: Sir Christopher Lee reads my favourite short story. There is absolutely nothing wrong with his performance, but the animation is slightly childish, akin to a video game, which doesn’t fit the dark atmosphere. The Tell-Tale Heart: This is a more visually interesting animation, with a style slightly reminiscent of Sin City, and is narrated by Bela Lugosi from an old archived recording. This means poor sound quality and a noticeable hum, which is at times intrusive. The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar: Read by Julian Sands, accompanied by a very apt animation, making this segment probably the most balanced contribution to the anthology. The Pit and the Pendulum: Although I was worried about how understandable Guillermo del Toro’s reading would be, his performance is nevertheless excellent and adds a solid voice-over to the unfortunately relatively dull animation. The Masque of the Red Death: In the last segment, instead of relying on classic tale telling, there’s a minimalist narration from the mouth of Roger Corman (as the classic creator of Poe film adaptations, including his own version of The Masque of the Red Death), and there’s much more emphasis placed on the imagery, which is enough to tell a simple story, but could be a little disappointing for the viewer if they were looking forward to Corman’s narration in full.

This is a generic commercial horror and a quick-brewing franchise, whose only goal seems to have been to take more cash out of the audience’s pockets, and to get a demonic nun into the living room of the Warren couple. The script is therefore just a dark padding without any real story or surprises, but it is blessed with a multitude of tropes such as ‘We’ll move the camera to the side, but then move it right back to reveal a loud jump scare.’ I was most frightened when I checked the time and saw there were 40 minutes left.

A slow but impressive mix of slasher and gothic horror, most of which takes place in a very sinister sanatorium, where an old family secret emerges. Of course, this is nothing revolutionary, but the strong point of this particular Ozploitation movie is how director Tony Williams seizes of the reins, and whose sense of atmosphere building and visual gadgets (memorable slow-motion shots and dream sequences) in conjunction with Gary Hansen's camera work and Klaus Schulze's vigorous soundtrack impresses. I was also surprised by the acting performance of the protagonist (Jacki Kerin), whom I found completely believable when expressing her rage and helplessness at the end, and I really hadn't seen such authentic hysteria for a long time (I am recalling now the classic escape scene with Marilyn Burns in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre). Quality obscure horror that I fully recommend.

Roar has been described as ‘the most dangerous film ever made’ (in terms of production) and is a bizarre freak of a film written, produced, and directed by Noel Marshall, who together with Tippi Hedren wanted to draw attention to the violation of animal rights concerning majestic African beasts and their boundless hunting. However, Marshall’s approach and determination to shoot this work were almost manic – the production was so dangerous that only his family members could be persuaded to act in the film – and they, including other members of the crew, suffered multiple injuries during filming and it is surprising that none of them died. The plot is basically irrelevant and it is clear in every shot that the beasts didn’t behave as expected and no real directing was possible, so the plot is sporadic, the shots are often unsuccessful and the editing is intrusive. Even so, the viewer has to devour the whole film from beginning to end with their mouth open and perceive every physical and mental tremor of the actors on the screen, because they really couldn’t be sure of anything and their fear is real. A bizarre and nerve-racking spectacle from a time when health and safety at work were not yet taken so seriously.

I recognise David Hemmings as an acclaimed actor, but that his directing skills may have been slightly overestimated, yet somehow he was allowed to make the most expensive Australian film at the time –The Survivor. The large budget allowed for an international cast (although Joseph Cotten wasn’t used to his full potential in my opinion) and one effect-rich plane crash scene, around which the rest of the film revolves. The theme in many ways and the overall idea is very reminiscent (do not click on the link if you have not seen The Survivor) of this American horror classic of the ’60s. As a result, there’s nothing much new under the sun, but as a taster, it’s fairly decent, especially thanks to the acting, mysterious atmosphere, and soundtrack by Brian May.

I went into it expecting a cheap but fun Alien rip-off. And in the first few minutes, my expectations were met – the beginning introduces a very tense and close atmosphere, and the exploration of the bowels of an abandoned ship is gripping. Early on, and quite unexpectedly, I was confronted with the now-classic scene of the bursting human chest, which rightly put the film on the video nasties list and left cinemagoers with some really unforgettable scenes. However, I’m only talking about the first quarter of an hour of the film – everything that follows is already drowning in the inability of the screenplay to build at least a bit of a thrilling and meaningful story, so for the rest of the film we get a plot aping a crime thriller, but that is almost reminiscent of a stupid and tired parody of Bond films with infuriating characters, and forget about the horror atmosphere, it’s just GONE.